This Is Every Age You Peak At For Everything During Your Life. (Sorry)

Hey everybody! It’s the first Monday in February! January is finally over! HURRAY!

But don’t get too content with that though, because here I come, about to ruin your day once more. January may be over, but 2019 is only just beginning…

I know I know, I’m sorry, I love you all but I accidentally stumbled across a study carried out by Business Insider and it has ruined my DAY, so I thought I would share it with you all because, how does that old saying go again? Oh, yeah; “misery shared is misery halved”. 

Basically, my now mortal enemies at Business insider have gone and collected a massive amount of data from numerous studies (despite literally nobody asking them to) and now claim to have solid scientific evidence about the ages at which you “peak” for pretty much everything throughout your life.

And here they are!

18 – PEAK BRAIN PROCESSING POWER

Well, this honestly explains a lot. I think the last smart decision I ever made was when I was 17 and decided not to get bangs cut after my boyfriend broke up with me.

If you’re from the UK then maybe this coincides with the fact that the legal drinking age there is 18? Interesting. As for American’s… well, never really had a chance anyway, did we?

23 – PEAK LIFE SATISFACTION

If this is true then I 100% missed the freakin’ mark. I mean, maybe if I think really hard I can possibly remember a brief, singular moment of life satisfaction at the age of 23… but then again, I could just be thinking about a dream I had one night where I was married to Channing Tatum.

23 – PEAK ATTRACTIVENESS

Okay seriously now if someone out there knew that I was gonna be hitting my peak life satisfaction AND my peak attractiveness at the ridiculously young age of 23 then they really should have let me know because the fact that I just let those years slip away from me didn’t make the most of them is just CRUEL.

25 – PEAK MUSCLE STRENGTH

One minute, you’re doing keg stands with your friends, lifting some sick weights at the gym, helping your mom carry in groceries 4 bags at a time… then next your arms are getting tired just by lifting a can of soda to your mouth and putting it back down again. Ah, life.

 

26 – PEAK AGE TO FIND A LIFE PARTNER

HAHAHAHHAHHAAA-

Wait… they’re serious!? Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. I mean, okay I kind of understand it – hopefully by this age you’ve gotten all those idiots out of your system and should have a better idea of what you’re looking for in a life partner, right? I mean it’s not like you need to get married… you just kinda need to be looking for the kind of person you want to marry.

But, still. Oh no oh no oh no…

 

28 – PEAK FITNESS

Darn, it would you look at that? Seems as though I allowed my peak fitness years to pass me by too! Oh well, guess there’s really no point in me signing up for the gym now, is there?

Although if you still carry those sinful habits of smoking, drinking too much and eating crappy foods constantly… now would be a good time to consider giving them up.

39/48 – PEAK SALARY

 

It’s true! If you’re a woman, you’ll be earning the best salary of your life at 39. And if you’re a man, you’ll be earning it at 48. So I guess the only other thing to say is, make sure you’re earning a freakin’ decent salary before you turn 39! Otherwise, you’re screwed.

51 – PEAK EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

So let me get this straight, I’m expected to get married by 30, have a mortgage, hold down a job, push out a couple of kids, load myself up with ridiculous responsibilities from that age onwards… and I don’t fully mature emotional (aka stop being so freakin’ childish) until I’m 51!? Who’s running this show anyway, I demand to speak to the manager immediately. Outrageous.

 

69 – LIFE SATISFACTION (AGAIN)

Okay few, so it turns out 23 isn’t the only age you can reach peak life satisfaction… it also happens at 69, too! Which probably means that at that point your expectations in life have gone wayyyy down so it no longer takes as much to make you think you’re doing well and you’re happy with the direction your life is going in.

Or y’know you’re older and therefore wiser or whatever.

 

74 – PEAK BODY POSITIVITY

Honestly, I don’t know whether this one is depressing or uplifting. Do we REALLY only appreciate our bodies at the age of 74? Is that because we wake up one day and curse ourselves for not loving our bodies way back when everything was tight and wrinkle-free? I mean I’m glad it’s gonna happen at some point in my life but 74!? REALLY!?

Screw that… I’m going out there and loving myself NOW! And by out there I mean I’ll be loving myself while safely hidden away in the confines of my own bedroom. But I’ll be dancing and singing into my mirror and stuff so it counts.

82 – PEAK WELLBEING

Well if you were hoping for some big enlightened reveal at the end of this then I’m sorry but you’re going to be incredibly disappointed. Turns out you really won’t be truly happy until you’re 82. Yep, that’s right, 82. But hey if you’re almost at that age then enjoy it and be sure to let the rest of us know what it feels like!

 

Well, there you have it, folks. The peaks of life. Did that depress the living daylights out of you? Good, that makes two of us then. Have a magical week! And remember; always strive to live your best life! Or whatever.

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