7 Types Of Vag!Na And How You Can Enjoy Them

Directly in response to “The 10 Different Types Of Dicks,” a few of us guys decided to share our thoughts on some common types of vaginas. Although I, sexual guru Johnny Long, actually did the bulk of the writing, I gotta give credit where it’s due: this article could not have come together without the helpful musings of the men in the Comments section, and specifically Brave New World, whose title suggestions I quote here.

1. The Loose Vagina You Can Last Forever In

This vagina is simply put… loose. A loose vagina feels like it’s slid 12 babies out of it in the last couple of years. Being in a woman should feel like a jacuzzi bath for your cock, but instead, it feels like driving your car through a carwash, when those flappy curtains soap up your sedan. It’s not doing much, barely putting any pressure on your penis, and you can just keep going… and going… and going… and going. Your girl probably has some idea that her vagina is really loose, so maybe spare her self esteem and don’t mention it to her. Just… do the best you can, and maybe get out of there. Literally.

2. The Too-Tight Virgin Vagina That Makes You Cum Too Quickly

This is the opposite of #1. Some girls are crazy tight, and it’s just impossible to last. I mean, this vagina is made by nature to squeeze man juice out of you, and with every stroke, you feel like your kids’ faces are becoming more and more defined before your eyes. You switch up positions, and start to wonder how much longer you can last, as this vagina massages every inch of your dick into sweet, sweet ecstasy of release.

3. The Deceptively Tiny Vagina

Maybe you’re having sex with a small girl – you know, a skinny 5-foot bubble of happiness, and off come the underwear, and you’re wondering how your average-sized sausage is ever going to fit in there. But then you go down on her, and she starts getting wet. And then wetter. And then, by some miracle magic trick, inch by inch, you’re fully inside her. Sometimes, deceptively tiny vaginas can accommodate you, but are really snug, making them #2s, but sometimes they’re also pretty loose, making you question laws of physics. How can something so tiny feel so… loose? There’s no way to tell how a Deceptively Tiny Vagina will feel until you’re in it.

4. The fat lipped vagina

These can actually be fun; watching those meat curtains wrap around your hard man-member is both titillating and mesmerizing. Often, this kind of vagina is only visually unique, but makes little difference during the actual sex.

5. Eew Vagina

I think there’s a thing going around where some girls  don’t wash their vaginas, or they don’t wash them all the way, or I don’t even know. There is no excuse for a vagina that makes you go Eew. NONE.

6. The Too-Dry Vagina

Although most vaginas in Nigeria lubricate themselves just fine, you’ll sometimes come across one that just dries up on you. Sometimes it’s your fault – what are you doing down there, Don Juan? But, sometimes that’s just how it naturally is. Too-Dry Vaginas can be a lot of work, because you have to keep reapplying lube, and it’s harder to concentrate and get into the right mindset for orgasm. Every girl feels a little different about her vagina, but I always feel weird when dealing with one that’s too dry, like I’m not really sure what to do with it. Should I spit on it? Do I just wait for it to… lubricate?


7. The Takes-Forever-To-Cum Vagina

Like, I’ve been going down on you for 25 minutes, and you still not twisting in pleasure?

8. A Birth Control/Medicated Vagina

You’re into some girl and she tells you that while she’s really into you, ahe’s got some mood issues and because of The Pill and her Zoloft, well, she might not have a sex drive for a while / his vagina might actually just go dry at any moment during sexual congress. OH OKAY.

9. A Vagina That Has a Little Mole On The Lips

What even is this?

10. The Perfect Vagina

This is rare. Really rare, and it’s hands-down the most common kind of vagina. You see it at first, and you think to yourself – well, this is just another whatever vagina, but then you slide yourself in, and OH MY GOD, it’s just the right texture and tightness! Just goes to show you – don’t judge the girl by her outer labia. What matters is how it all feels when the guy feels when sensually thrusting inside you, and how you can adjust for your shortcomings.

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