29 Extremely Awkward (But Hilarious) True Stories Of BAD SEX
1. She covered herself in ketchup and mustard and told me to eat her like a Hebrew National.
“Drunk. Climbed on the counter. Had put ketchup and mustard on her everything. Told me to eat her like a Hebrew National. In her defense, I do love hotdogs.”
2. He moved his leg to grope my boob with his foot.
“My boyfriend was fingering me, and then he moved his leg to grope my boob with his foot. In his mind, having two hands down below and another ‘hand’ up top was an effective idea. It was just really weird.”
3. He started singing ‘Closer’ by NIN and my vagina cried softly.
“He started singing ‘Closer’ by NIN and my vagina cried softly.”
4. Sprayed air duster on my nuts…with the can upside down.
“Sprayed air duster on my nuts…with the can upside down.”
5. She thought it would be hot to whimper like a wounded puppy while I was doing her doggy style..
“A girl I was banging for a while thought it would be hot to whimper like a wounded puppy while I was doing her doggy style. I actually told her if she kept it up I would pull out and leave.”
6. ‘Fill me up, Mr. petrol pump.’
“‘Fill me up, Mr. petrol pump.’”
7. He dumped a bag of dildos on the bed next to me.
“Not my SO, so I’m not sure if this counts but last night I was mid hookup with a guy (no penetration yet) when he reached over to his nightstand and produced a bag of dildos which he proceeded to dump out onto the bed next to me. One was literally flashing because it had lightbulbs in it. So I’m like ‘uhh what is happening’ and then he loses his erection and immediately gets out of bed and puts his clothes on because, and I quote, ‘this isn’t working out.’ I’ve never gotten dressed so fast in my life.”
8. She leaned in and whispered, ‘I want that fire cock.’
“She leaned in and whispered, ‘I want that fire cock.’”
9. I dated this guy for a few months who actually spoke to my vagina.
“I dated this guy for a few months who actually spoke to my vagina. We had a few drinks, started fooling around a bit, and he did the typical kissing trail down my stomach in preparation to go down on me. Once he was down there, his face inches from my hoo-ha, whispered, ‘yeah… you want me to eat you? you really want to feel my tongue?’
It was pretty obvious that he was not talking to me. I couldn’t suppress the giant fit of laughter that came afterwards. Needless to say no more sex was had that night.”
10. Nibbled on my left testicle.
“Nibbled on my left testicle. I feel like I developed PTSD from that experience.”
11. Girls keep putting their freezing cold hands down my pants.
“Had a couple different girls who have put their freezing cold hands down my pants and then seemed confused and offended that this did not result in an instant erection.”
12. Biting. Hard. Broke the skin..
“Biting. Hard. Broke the skin. Wasn’t sexy, just painful, gross, and frightening.”
13. ‘You can either be spanked or lick the Stick of Discipline.’
“Not my current SO, but an ex. He was trying to act more kinky, something that he had no real experience in, and he said something along the lines of ‘You can either be spanked or lick the Stick of Discipline.’ There was no licking of the Stick of Discipline that night.”
14. Making the loudest, fakest, whiniest moans imaginable.
“Making the loudest, fakest, whiniest moans imaginable. I cringed every time.”
15. My ex would constantly say I was ‘swimming inside her’ when we were having sex.
“My ex would constantly say I was ‘swimming inside her’ when we were having sex…. I wasn’t sure if she was calling me very tiny or herself very wide. Either way it was not sexy and always ruined the mood for me.”
16. He kept slapping me while kissing me.
“We were making out, and he slapped me. Then he kissed again, slapped again. Kissed again, slapped again. Then he noticed my baffled expression. Then it was just weird and he apologized, and we each went home and never spoke of it again. I’m not even entirely sure he was trying to turn me on, but it’s really kind of the only way I can make sense of it.”
17. Farted during sex. She thought I would ‘like the vibrations.’
“Farted during sex. She thought I would ‘like the vibrations.’”
18. My girlfriend thought it would be fun to quietly quack in my ear like a duck.
“One time while getting into it, my girlfriend thought it would be fun to quietly quack in my ear like a duck. Unfortunately I’m into rubber ducks, not real ducks, so the quack was just bizarre and off-putting.”
19. Shoved her unlubricated finger in my asshole.
“Shoved her unlubricated finger in my asshole. It was terrible.”
20. ‘I like your dick better than my other boyfriend’s.’
“Me and my current SO we’re having sex a few months ago when she moaned, ‘I like your dick better than my other boyfriend’s.’ I stopped mid thrust and just stared at her in disbelief. She thought it was the funniest thing ever. A few weeks later I’m three strokes in and fake an orgasm. The same thing played out but in reverse, she was in disbelief and I laughed my ass off.”
21. GF saying ‘oh my’ during sex in a George Takei kind of voice..
“GF saying ‘oh my’ during sex in a George Takei kind of voice. She didn’t mean to, it just kind of came out wrong. We both laughed at the time but now I jokingly say it to her randomly for fun. :)”
22. I thought it would be hot to literally spit on her pussy.
“Well, something I did definitely ruined sex once. I was having pretty rough sex with my girlfriend and for some reason I thought it would be hot to literally spit on her pussy. She looked at me like ‘oh no you did not.’ I still think some women could find that hot, but I’m not doing it again unless someone asks me to.”
23. The girl bit the ever-living hell out of my thigh, right below my junk.
“The girl bit the ever-living hell out of my thigh, right below my junk.”
24. I’ve had a few girls try and choke me.
“I’ve had a few girls try and choke me. That isn’t something I find remotely sexy and more so puts me into fight of flight mode.”
25. She figured I’d like if she dug her nails into my balls.
“Ex-gf 15 years back. She figured I’d like if she put her nails into my balls like she’d seen women do on dudes backs in shitty rom-coms. My squeal of horrified panic cured that idea. In fairness, we were like…14, so experience was limited.”
26. ‘Chik chicky boo chicky boo WOO HOO!’
“My wife tried to be sexy for me this one time… she hummed her own music tune while giving me a lap dance. It just did not work for me.
I recognized it from a Looney Toon cartoon with Daffy singing ‘chik chicky boo chicky boo WOO HOO!’
When I showed her the clip, she got embarrassed, saying that she knew it from something, but didn’t remember where.
She had issues about not being sexy enough for me, but I reassured her that she didn’t have to work so hard to do so. She felt better, and we both learned that I like lingerie.
But now every time I think of lap dancing, I think of Daffy Duck.”
27. Ended up pretty much sucking a ball right out of my sack. Beyond painful.
“Once dated a girl who was REALLY good at giving head. So good, that she would only do weird shit to try and get an extra rise out of me. Ended up pretty much sucking a ball right out of my sack. Beyond painful. No more sexy time.”
28. Should I tell her I’m not into necrophilia?
“After 11 years of marriage my wife lies motionless. Should I tell her I’m not into necrophilia?”
29. Her sandpaper hands tried to jerk my dick like a stick shift.
“Wife grabbed my dick and started trying to jerk it hard while it was dry. Like full-on trying to use a stick shift with the head of my penis. She has eczema so her hands are like sandpaper some days. Soon after, we had a talk about proper foreplay and what is probably not a good idea during foreplay.”
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